What constitutes an Asshole?

I keep my eyes open, though it isn't really difficult to tell the assholes from the good guys. How can you tell if you or one of your friends is an asshole? Check out the list below. If you are guilty of any of the following, you are an asshole!
1.If you submit your homepage to any one search engine more than once...you are an asshole!

2.If you submit your homepage as NUDEnakedNUDEnakedNUDE or anything even remotely similar....you are an asshole!

3.If you take up two parking spaces for one car...you are an asshole!(unless you have to get your wheelchair out of your car)

4.If you park in a handicapped space and you are not handicapped...you are an asshole!

5.If you tie up 12 year old girls and then rape them...you are an asshole!

6.If you complain about the government, yet don't vote...you are an asshole!

7.If you believe everything your government tells you...you are an asshole!

8.If you believe Oliver Stone and spout out his theories everywhere you go...you are an asshole!

9.If you make decisions when you don't know shit about a subject...you are an asshole!

10.If you think Nancy Reagan is a goddess and we should all just un-thinkingly say "no" to any question made to us...you are an asshole!

11.If you would like to regulate the internet...you are an asshole!

12.If you refuse to wait your turn and instead cut into line at every opportunity...you are an asshole!

13.If you are a racist...you are an asshole!

14.If you laugh at every single "Far Side" comic...you are an asshole! (some of them you will undoubtedly not understand and there are some that are just not funny)

15.If you advocate censorship...you are an asshole!

16.If you fart noisily and then laugh while pointing at your buddies...you are an asshole!

17.If you ask stupid questions and then get pissed off when returned with stupid answers...you are an asshole!

18.If you brag about how good your girlfriend is in bed and then get mad when your friends take her for a test spin...you are an asshole!

19.If you are found laughing and when questioned why you are laughing you respond with some stupid answer like "private joke"...you are an asshole!

20.If you get good service in a restaurant and yet don't tip...you are an asshole!

21.If you watch 28 hours of television a week and then say that you don't read because you don't have time...you are an asshole!

22.If you pick your nose and then flick your boogers at other cars while stopped at a stop light...you are an asshole!

23.If you piss into the vats of beer at the brewery...you are an asshole!

24.If you use all the toilet paper but don't replace it...you are an asshole!

25.If you have fog lights on your car and leave them on whether there is fog or not...you are an asshole!

26.If you park in the middle of a two way street to talk with one of your buddies in the opposite lane, and therefore block traffic...you are an asshole!

27.If you don't support your local sports teams until they start to win lots of games...you are an asshole!

28.If you drive drunk...you are an asshole!

29.If you think you are better than everyone else 'cause you've got more money than them...you are an asshole!

30.If you smoke in a non-smoking section...you are an asshole!

31.If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think it is unfair...you are an asshole!

32.If you think welfare is an occupation...you are an asshole!

33.If you take more than 10 items into the "10 items or less" express lane at the supermarket...you are an asshole!

34.If you don't shower and stink and smell like shit...you are an asshole!

35.If you complain about your weight problem and still eat at McDonalds...you are an asshole!

36.If you go to the crapper for over an hour and don't use an air freshener...you are an asshole!

37.If you send chain letters of any kind...you are an asshole!

38.If you drive in the centre of the lane at 20km's below the speed limit...you are an asshole!

39.If you channel surf while others are trying to watch tv...you are an asshole!

40.If you complain about the price of gas, yet drive a car that gets eight miles per gallon...you are an asshole!

41.If you drive around the city limits with your bright lights on all the time because "you be cool"...you are an asshole!

42.If you drive without buckling up your kids...you are an asshole!

43.If you visit someone's home and leave hair all over the soap...you are an asshole!

44.If you trick others into drinking diarrhea mixed with milk by telling them it is chocolate milk...you are an asshole!

45.If you do a search on "asshole" from Yahoo! ...you are an asshole!

46.If you call for a pizza,tell the guy to hold, then ask what everybody wants...you are an asshole!

47.If you put your makeup on while driving...you are an asshole!

48.If you don't turn off your beeper during class...you are an asshole!


If you have just learned that you are in fact an asshole, I can understand you may feel shocked. That is a natural reaction. Take a deep breath. Then change your actions and become a non-asshole like the rest of us. Assholes needn't send me mail.

If you are a non-asshole, go ahead and send me your ideas to add to this list...