Category: Humor Vault

(To be spoken in an exaggerated British accent)

Theodore Guesel, also known as Dr. Seuss, is best known for his work as a children's author. Seuss, however, also had a very successful career as writer of adult fiction, with such works as Hop on Mom, My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket, and the seminal classics, Horton Feels a Ho and Horton Fakes an Orgasm. We therefore present you a musical in this tradition.

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.

I have solved the mystery.

The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments.

Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

This comes off the Silicon Investors Intel Bulletin Board. Thanks to Ibexx (though I doubt it was originally his).

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher.

3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia, and Dotcom.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobileservices (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did notre-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set haschannels 2 and up, but no channel 1.The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with theshutter on backwards.The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways.The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated,dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets o fScarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

Warning: Quite profane.

A flame that appeared on Bungie's message board on AOL:

Dear:

  [X] Clueless Newbie         [ ] Lamer            [X] MSNer

  [ ] Me too er               [ ] Perver           [ ] Geek

  [ ] Spammer                 [ ] Nerd             [ ] Elvis

  [ ] Fed                     [ ] Freak            [ ] FLAMENET
Asshole

  [X] Dweeb                   [ ] Twerp            [ ] Twit 

  [X] Mental Midget           [X] Ignorant bastard [ ] Brainless
Wonder

Fnord is evaporated herbal tea without the herbs.

Fnord is that funny feeling you get when you reach for the Snickers bar and come back holding a slurpee.

Fnord is the 43 1/3rd state, next to Wyoming. Fnord is this really, really tall mountain. Fnord is the reason boxes of condoms carry twelve instead of ten.

GAT (Gangsta Aptitude Tess)

The following exam was administered as an Ebonics version of the SAT

1) You just robbed som jack mo fo with $20 in his wallet. You can buy:

A. A dime and two 40's

B. A new pair of Fila's


C. Dashikki down the block

D. Yo mama

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: