Category: Humor Vault

The members of the orchestra are divided into four sections: woodwinds, brass, strings, and percussion. There's also someone standing in front of all these other folks playing no instrument at all. This would be the conductor. It is generally assumed that the conductor is required to make musical decisions and to hold all of the instruments together in a cohesive interpretation of any given work. Not so. Rather, the conductor is necessary because the four groups would rather eat Velveeta than have anything to do with someone from another section. And, as we know, musicians are quite serious about their food.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Abort, Retry, Ignore?

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.

You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill

You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

1. The Cat in the Blender

2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

3. Fox in Detox

101 Spells NOT Worth Memorizing! ((Actually, there are 396)

Five surgeons taking a coffee break:

1st surgeon says:

"Accounting students are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everthing inside is numbered."

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library*/
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts atfinding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to accesstheir command pathways?

Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through ourarchives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

What a woman says, what she really means...
- I need = I want
- We need = I want
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now